I was just in a session at NorthernVoice that I both didn’t want to miss, and dreaded to go to: COPING DIGITALLY: Breaking Stigma and Healing Mental Illness Through Blogging and other Social Media.
Why? Because I’ve suffered from depression and suicidal thoughts since I was about 15-16, maybe earlier. It wasn’t until 2004 that I started getting real help for it.
Anyway, I’m sitting in the session, listening to the powerful, touching, raw, and open words from Airdrie, Tod, and Isabella, and it’s all welling up to the surface.
All the truths. Feeling like you don’t deserve the good things. That you’re a fake. That someday someone is going to say, “wait, this guy has no idea what he’s talking about…”
I’ve been feeling pretty good lately. There are some awesome (really awesome) things going on for me right now. Work, relationship, friends…
But the darkness is never far away. It’s never completely out of sight or beyond my senses.
It’s like a cold knife’s edge or just that intermittent icy draft that you just can’t quite find to stop.
I’ll say flat out I was-am-on the edge of tears during their talk. As Tod was retelling his breaking point story, my own came to the fore. Talking to my mom on the phone. Sobbing. Feeling like it’s all not worth it…
Obviously I got through that. I went to see my doctor and got my first medication. Like Airdrie I really resisted medication. I didn’t want-egotistically-anything messing with my mind. I felt like my mind, the way I think, was really all there was to me and medication would take that away.
I’ve had some pretty close calls since then. There are a few that come to mind right now and for the friends who are reading this, the ones who I was leaning on, clinging to: I lied.
I was very, very close to end at those points. Very.
You all and maybe some stubborn piece of will in my mind, kept me here. A lot was you.
Thank you is rather trite at this point, but well you know the deal.
I’m writing this post for the very same reason Airdrie, Tod, and Isabella did their talk, to raise awareness, to lift the stigma, to motivate even one person to get help, to let others know they aren’t the only ones.
This is my story.
Tris Hussey is a writer, teacher, blogger, and speaker on all facets of Internet life, WordPress, and social media. He is the author of Create Your Own Blog: 6 Easy Blogging Projects to Start Blogging Like a Pro and Using WordPress.
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i <3 you. you are not alone. and not only that i HEAR you. you are very lucky to have people HERE who care.
Thanks Tris. I'm sure this post rings true for a lot of us.
Tris: Love your post, and wish I was at Northern Voice this year. Sort of sad that 'mental illness' still has a stigma after all these years of learning more about it.
Glad you hung in there…
Tris,
Thanks for sharing this with us. When you Airdrie, Tod, and Isabella share this it makes it easier for others to cope and not feel alone. There needs to be more dialogue about this in the community.
Thanks for sharing, and writing such a nice summary or our talk — you got to the heart of it. *hugs*
Thank you for writing this. They're right. If we can bring ourselves to talk about it, maybe we can start to heal ourselves.
I was on the verge of tears just reading Raul's liveblog summary.
It's very, very powerful stuff. So real and there.
Thank you for having the courage to post this, Tris. Often healing starts when someone reads an article like this and realizes that they are not alone. As Eric said, I'm very glad you hung in there.
Thank you.
Thank you everyone. This does help not to feel so alone.
It's hard for me to feel like I'm responding with as much gratitude and feeling I truly have. Just so you know.
Those of us who have been there understand, Tris. We hear your heart beyond the words "thank you."
Tris, your sharing helps break down the stigma. I wanted to liveblog it because I thought it needed to be shared with the world, and I wish more people did what you did just now – SPEAK OUT. If you ever need anything, you know always where to find me and I'll be there for you. Much love.
I've been at this point for, oh, the last month or so? I think that's why I avoided the session. I didn't want to lose my ish in front of a room full of strangers.
Wow! Good for you, Tris, in sharing that and good for Todd, Airdrie and Isabella in sharing their stories. So often people try to sweep depression under the carpet or hide it away in the closet and we don't talk about it or recognize how many people out there battle with it on a regular basis. Well done! It is by talking about it that those that suffer don't feel so alone or ashamed. It is nothing to be ashamed of and more people than you realize battle with it.
Sending an enormous hug,
Erica
Raul, Cecily, & Erica — Thank you. On reflection part of me wonders if I should have skipped the session and avoided opening the wounds/feelings.
@ Tris – Having been enormously wounded in the past, I can tell you that opening the wounds sometimes does help healing. At least, in my case.
I think that your participation via live-tweeting, just being there and afterwards writing this post was an ENORMOUS contribution, Tris. You are setting an example because you (in the same way as Airdrie, Tod and Isabella did) spoke out. On your blog. On your tweets. You did something that helped the many people out there whose voices are unheard.
In opening those wounds, you are helping others heal. And I would hope that in helping others heal, you may find comfort. You are not alone, Tris. You never will be. We will be there too.
Hugs and love.
Thank you Raul. Sometimes I have to wonder if it's worth the emotional cost.
Thanks for writing this. This is a great breath of honesty in an event and an industry clouded by technology and fancy tools.
Thank you Noah and thank you for the link. I hope that some good will come of this post.
tris, somehow i never saw this post until tonight. thank you so much for sharing of yourself.
as hard as it is, we NEED to open our mouths about this, because that's how we help each other open our hearts.